The Snow-Capped Covered Gloves are Coming Off

Dear Parents:


WHY DO YOU LET YOUR TEENAGERS GO TO THE MOVIES UNCHAPERONED WHEN YOU KNOW THEY ARE BRAIN DEAD & LACK ALL SOCIAL GRACES!!!!!!

WHY WHY WHY In the name of all that's butterlicious....why? (Banging head against empty box of Snow Caps)...(side note: I like to use my big front teeth ((that my parents didn't deem worthy of braces...even though they sprang for my sisters and she now has a lovely smile)) to scrape the white candy dots off every little chocolatey cap...what fun, what joy)

Sorry...getting back on track....

Furthermore, why must they always see what I am seeing...and in that same vein...What does that say about my taste in movies. Moving on, if I see your teenager at the movie theater again...I will kidnap her/him and make her/him clean all the most disgusting bits of my house. We will call this just compensation for the hard-earned (though not by me) money I paid to see "House Bunny"...

I feel this is the only course of action left to me after tonight's "incident"...

Me: Sinking comfortably into the fetid seat I will call home for the next 98 minutes.

You're Obnoxious Children: Guffawing at every stupid thing their idiot boyfriends say. Snapping their gum (which if you have read my earlier blogs would know is punishable with a beat down), and generally being little cretins.

The movie begins....Scene One: The Playboy Mansion. Your group of jerkies use a laser pointer to show everyone in the movie theater just where all the breasts are on the screen. Oh, how lucky for us to have this tutorial. After each point...laughter...loud and forced. I sat in my seat as long as I could. I assessed my chances of making it out of the theater alive after I say something. I decided to wait it out, but as luck would have it, my patience is shorter than your children's anatomy lesson.

At this point I half stand and turn around and yell in my best "outside demon voice", "SERIOUSLY, KNOCK IT OFF!" 6 teens (and a few training program pre-teens) get wide-eyed and look around at each other in accusation. I sat down and enjoyed the rest of the movie...little red laser free.

After the movie comes the exhausting posturing I must now do to show I am crazier and meaner than they could ever be. I wait to see if they leave. I have to stand up slowly and give a little faux stretch as if to say "You Bore Me!" I turn around and look every last little bugger in the eye with my dead-eye glare. I then saunter out of the row (it is crucial at this point that you don't trip...that really spoils the effect). I stroll down the stairs and out of the theater. I wait to see if they follow...when they don't....I bolt to my vehicle looking over my shoulder the whole way.

This whole process could be avoided if you simply show some common sense and attend said movies with your rude little darlings. If you cannot trust them to do anything mannerly or logical at home, they why for the love of cheesy pretzels are you sending them my way. Please do not force me to make good on my little "teen-napping" scheme. You have no idea how dirty those bits of my house can be!!!

Sincerely,
A woman who likes her movies and you best not be messing with that.