Friday, April 30, 2010

The Zone is Coming, The Zone is Coming

Effectively immediately. I have entered what my husband calls "the zone". The zone is where I live for roughly 5 to 7 days a month. Here there is no place for the weak or mealy-mouthed. This volatile substation of life is where I get most of my "Bitnus" done. This is when I call the cable/credit card company. This is when I get warranty work done...with no extra charges. And this is when berrating phone calls, ranting letters and threatening emails are sent. So be advised: I have arrived in the zone...Run children run.


The zone is a "No Way in H.E. Double Hockey Sticks" wonderland. I will cut you in the zone. I will drop you like a bag of cement. So please...do not make me hurt you, because I will wear your skin as a suit and like it.

Apparently the life-sized "Non-Fat Grande Carmel Machiatto Barbie" did not get the memo.

Scene of the Crime: Backing up at Starbucks...you have to do that to actually leave the parking lot. The VIC: Just another completely oblivious humanoid. Here she comes like a blonde bat out of hell, zipping in at about 2 parsecs. She barrels into the spot beside me at a perilous angle as I slam on my brakes so as not to crush her plastic Barbie Jeep. As I gape in amazement at the utter lunacy of people, this dumb dumb has the unmitigated gall to not even look sheepish, but instead chews her gum (open mouthed) and flicks her hair in disdain. OH, IT IS ON!!

My sister, who is renowned for her temper in these situations, shoots me a nervous glance. That's right little girl...get ready for your beat down. I finish pulling out and stay parked firmly behind her mobile. She sits in her car...making up reasons not to get out. Finally, she graces me with her scantily clad presence. Please note she is still chewing her gum in an utterly offensive manner. I roll down the window and simply offer the kind advice.."Maybe you oughta lay off the gas when your pulling "into" a spot there, Helio Castoneves". She then offers me some lovely advice back, "Maybe you oughta learn how to pull out of a parking lot."...OH NO SHE DIDN'T!! I then, with all love and affection, offer these words, "Maybe you oughta not chew your cud like the cow that you are and learn how to drive...you dumb, boney wench".

Yep, then I went and had a lovely buffalo chicken salad at Chilis...the whole while ranting under my breath other equally loving things I shoulda, coulda, woulda said.

I'll just be over here, sharpening my tools, if you need me...

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